Important Message from the President

Today I am announcing my plans to lift the world out of the economic gutter and make the planet Earth the most productive and Job friendly planet in the known Universe.

It's time that we lift all people, no matter their color, their station in life, or even their religious belief, to the highest rungs of human achievement possible. There is no secret to how we do this for every man woman and child, and some really cute pets, it is simply by providing everyone a J-O-B.

Today I take great pride in announcing that I have a plan to put everyone back to work so everyone across the globe can live the American Dream and secure a better future for their children.

As your exalted leader, I know the urgency of the task of providing jobs for everyone. I know that some of you are just barely hanging on. I know that some of you are now living in your cars. I know that some of you cannot afford the life saving medicines you need. As the leader of the free world and the known Universe, I want you to know that I feel your pain.

Facing financial Armegeddon is never easy, that's why I have put all my energies to this one task of making sure that everyone has a job. I know THERE IS NO TIME TO WASTE!

That's why today I am announcing, without hesitation, that I will be announcing my Jobs plan some time after my 2 weeks Vacation at the really Posh and elegant surroundings of Martha's Vineyard where I will be spoiled like a ruler of my stature deserves.

So as the leader of the free world, and the known Universe, I ask that you to live in abject poverty and without food for at least another 2 weeks. Knowing how most of you have learned to adapt over the 2.5 years that I have been your Dear Leader, I'm sure you can find clever ways to fool your kids into thinking that 2 weeks is NOT that long to go without food.

Thank you and God Bless.

Barack Obama

P.S.  Your chances of getting a sweet job will be increased if you hit the streets today and start begging for money to send to my re-election campaign. In these hard times I know money is hard to come by, but selling your body, selling drugs, and stealing from rich people are just some ways you can collect money for my re-election campaign. So what are you waiting for?